I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
this beer tastes like vomit already
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize