And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
