You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
