If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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