I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize