I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
