And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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