Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
