i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
