I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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