I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
as a side note pls kill me
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
