I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
