My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
