Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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