Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
