You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I need to calm my uterus...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
