I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize