I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
