I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize