Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
