I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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