a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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