a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
