last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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