I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Randomize