She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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