Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
In America we eat man semen.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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