When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
