how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
