I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize