we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
