I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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