I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
