I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
They have beer where we have blood.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
