I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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