Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
