Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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