Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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