so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I supernannyed him into submission
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
