god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
