I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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