I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
