Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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