I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
