Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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