I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
someone owes me an orgasm
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
