Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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