either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
