I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
