yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
