i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
