you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
