My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
